The Edwards

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The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:02 pm

Yep, they have a new home. I swear, I will do the holiday specials soon.
THE EDWARDS ARE:

SAM EDWARDS

Loving Dad who loves to fish and loves to love his kids. Yes ladies, he's single!

TOM EDWARDS

A nerdy bookworm. Married to his job and his school. Will he have time for romance between his sister and school?

CLARA EDWARDS

Slut. Whore. Bitch. Just some of the words this little minx will throw at you if you dare cross her. All she wants is boys and to par-tay.

MIKE EDWARDS

The new baby on the scene!

THE HOUSE

It's a house.


WEEK 1:
Spoiler:


Tom reads a book and Clara sleeps. THE SUSPENCE.

Lets skip to the first day at School...

Tom: 'Whoo! SCHOOL!'
Clara: 'Puh-lease, betch'


Tom: 'NOBODY CALLS ME A BETCH AND STAYS ALIVE!'
Clara: 'OH YEAH!?'
Girl: 'Feh'

She won.

After School, things hot up.
Clara invites a boy over for a spot of fun.

Boy: 'WHOAH! TOO SLUTTY!'
Clara: 'C'mon! You can see my tit through this!'

Boy: 'Fine'
Clara: 'Don't talk. Just relaaaaxxx...'

Meanwhile, at Tom's job...


People: 'What a hot boy'
Tom: '...'

Tom goes back home and meets the boy.

Boy: 'Lets go out!'
Tom: 'Sure! And don't talk please.'


Clara: 'What the fuck?'


Clara: 'YOU LLAMA SHAGGING PRICK!'
Boy: 'Don't hurt me!'


YAAAAAAAAHHH!

But where is Dad in all this?


Sam:'I wonder what Tom is doing right now...?

PART 2:

Spoiler:
Reacting to finding her boyfriend cheating with her Brother, Clara has a good ol' cry.

Clara: 'Wahhhhh!'
Boy: 'Who shags Llamas now? Bitch.'

She tries to smooth things over with her brother...

Clara: *Cough* Mother-*hack*fucker.
Tom: No ,more food, it makes you fat.

Feeling angry at the world, Clara does the smart thing. She becomes a Goth.


Boy: Woah. You menstrating? Because you must be mad.
Clara: ARRRRRRRHHHHH!

Tom and Sam have some father-son time while Clara and the boy tear off each-others faces.

Sam: My boss sent me an ad for disco stick enlagement cream yesterday.
Tom: Ah... I have to... SCHOOL! Yeah, school.

Instead of school, Clara eats untill they make her leave.

Clara: I need more food!

After the chef locks her out, Clara trys her hand at cooking.

Clara: I don't remember putting chocolate in my soup...
Tom: You burned it, ya' twat!

Tom calls his boyfriend to bitch about Clara.

Tom: Yeah, she ate ALL the pies.

Then the Pizza Place

Tom: Hey, Tony. We got a code 5. Yeah, the walrus is in the girl.
Clara: Ugh.


Tom: Fatty fat fat gir ate the pies,
When she talks she jiggles her thighs!
Clara: OH THAT IS IT YOU COCKMUNCHING, BOYFRIEND TAKING C**T!



Clara: YOU JUST GOT SUMO'D
Tom: I need a vacation...

PART 3:
Spoiler:
Picking where we left off, Clara enjoys her victory the only way she can.

*Nom*

Feeling alone in the house, she decides to go on a chatroom... and finds her fathers chatlogs.

SamTheMan: I am REALLY in a rut here. I need money. :(
Notaspambot992: Well then... How much toomuch are you PAYing? Have yoU conSiderd consolodating your debt into one monthly payout with Sunset Money?
SamTheMan: Good idea!
Clara: Oh. Fuck.

They REALLY need money. So Clara puts up a flyer.

Clara: Wanted: housemate who can pay HUGE amounts of rent. Like $500 a week. Really, i'm talking shitting money into my hands. No Pets.

Within moments, a reply!

Clara: So... 'Mary', what do you do?
Mary: My daddy, like, cut me off a week ago. So I, like, stole his credit card and ran away from home.
Clara: What kind of credit card?
Mary: Like, it's a Platinum Black Gold.
Clara: Just like my dad has. You are SO living here.
Mary:OMIGAWD! Another one! I hit a jackpot! I need to dress for this!

Being a quick thinker, Mary changes and waits...

Mary: Maybe the teal one? NO! He has a Platinum Black Gold! Dress classy! THINK MARY! THINK!


Mary:My god, he is u-g-l-y. Grit your teeth girl. Plastic is on the line here!
Hel- hi there, Sexy.

In typical Edwards style, Sam quickly has her where he wants her. Or so he thinks...

Sam:Oh, you like that baby?
Mary:Yeah! It's rad!
Sam:Don't talk please.

Sam and Mary quickly hit it off.

Clara:Do you hear something, cockmuncher?
Tom:No I don't, cunthead.

Of course, Sam does something innaproperiate.

Sam:Eh. I've had better.
Mary: Aw. Fuck you.
Sam:Again? You fox!
Mary:Since we are sharing a bed and all, I was thinking we could... share a credit card?

A few days later...

Clara:Tom, are you okay with all the changes Mary has done?
Tom:She replaced my guyliner with blush. WHAT DO YOU THINK!?

But what is wrong with Mary?

OH. SHIT.
But what are Clara and Tom doing while Mary throws up?


Tom:Yeah, you can kiss my ass. Whore
Clara:You kept your pants on. Thats a step up for you!
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:04 pm

WEEK 2
Spoiler:
Picking up where we left off, Mary reacts to the news she is pregnant.

Mary: It's okay girl. Just casually mention it on a date. OH GOD! WHAT IF SAM WANTS ME TO SETTLE DOWN? MY LIFE IS OVER!

The others react better. But, it's still a tad insane... they dress like somebody has died.

Tom: Hey, I take it you heard the news?
Clara: News?

Fianally, Mary snaps.

Mary: OHMIGOD! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR FAT CLOTHES!
Clara: Mmmhmm. Could you get me some ice for my drink?

Using Marys insanity as an oppertunity, Clara acts fast...

Clara: Hey, could I borrow your Credit Card?
Mary: For what?
Clara: Uhhhh.... SCHOOL! YEAH! School...
Mary: Sure, just clean it when you are done.


Clara: WANTED: New sofa, lamps, rugs and wallpaper. Must be black, red or deep purple. HeHe. I love eBay.


Clara: Ahhh, a dungeon fit for a saint.

Coming home from his job, Tom asks about the changes that have been made.

Tom: What happend here? Heh, did Clara use your Credit Card?
Mary: Yeah, she said she needed it for school.
Tom: WOW. Hey, I was wondering...


Tom: You have no problem with the changes I made, do you?
Clara: Nope. Oh, thanks for the bedsheets.
Tom: S'alright.

Sam comes home to see what has happend...

Sam: YOU LET CLARA USE A CREDIT CARD!? SHE IS ONLY 15!!!
Mary: IT WAS FOR SCHOOL! FUCK YOU!

Clara tests out her new bed. It's great untill...


Sam: CLARA EDWARDS! YOU USED A CREDIT CARD TO IMPROVE YOUR ROOM!?


Clara: Room!? What about the living room?
Sam: Nice try, I know all the girly reds and purples are the same as before. I WANT ALL OF THIS SHIT GONE NOW!!
Clara: Ugh...


Clara: YOU CUM GUZZLER! DAD THINKS I CHANGED THE BEDROOM! WHERE AM I GOING TO GET $1700 TO PAY HIM BACK!? I'LL KILL YOU!
Tom: AHHH! ALRIGHT! I WILL GET RID OF EVERYTHING AND PAY BACK DAD! NOW LET GO OF MY EARS!!

DAY 2
Spoiler:
Celebrating kicking Toms ass, Clara decides to cook.


Cook more than usual. She is not eating them right away and she isn't sucking the spoon. Hmmmm?

A few hours later, Tom has a bit of a shock at work...

Lady: Excuse me, could you tell me if you have any of those darling tulips you had last week? I have a Future Housewife Club meeting.
Tom: Sure, the are in row sevOH MY GOD!

Tom: CLARA! JESUS AND MARY WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!?
Clara: TOM!? YOU WORK HERE!? I-UH- LOST A BET! I lost a bet and I have to wear this stupid dress. Now, about those tulips...

After work, Tom decides to tell Sam what he saw.

Tom: Hey, want to know where Clara was today?
Sam: Always.
Tom: Well, at work I-

Clara: RAGH! SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BASTARD!

After beting Toms ass again, Clara is joined by Mary for some games and gossip.

Clara: Hey, I need to ask you about some lovely -er- ugly seeds. Can I have some money to get them?
Mary: Only if you level up and make me some of your great cookies. I found some in the fridge.
Clara: I-ERR-BEH... Sure... just don't tell anybody about this.

Trying not be noticed, Clara slips into her new dress and makes some cookies.

Sam: Clara!? Are you making cookies in a dress?
Clara: OHSHI- have you been drinking?
Sam: A little.
Clara: I'm not in a dress, go to bed. You are drunk.

After baking the cookies, Clara invites her Futue Housewife Friend over. But Tom sees them...

Sal: Baking soda will get that stain on your white dress out.
Clara: Thank you! Have you had some of Glenda's cherry pie? It is simply divine!
Tom: Okay, this has gone too far...
*SlapSlapSlapSlapSlap*


Tom: My god Clara! Look at yourself! Look at what you have become!
Sal: Wow! The Future Housewives Club prepares you for every aspect of marriage!
Clara: What the fuck Tom!?


Tom: This is not you!
Clara: What the hell are you raving about?
Tom: Look at youself! You have become everything you hate. You are one of THEM.
Clara: NO! THATS NOT TRUE!
Tom: I want you back! The real you! Not the housewife or the goth, you.
Clara: I...I...ugh. You are right. I'll go and change.

Within a few seconds, Clara was back to her old self and had made up with Tom. Well, sort of...

Clara: Thank you Tom.
Tom: No problem. Just glad to have you back.
Clara: Hey, since we have made up and all, can I have my boyfriend back?
Tom: Jump off a cliff.
Clara: Cocksucker
Tom: Bucketcunt

DAY 3
Spoiler:
The time is near, Mary will soon give birth!

Mary: I wonder if they have those cute hospital gowns. Not the ones the bury the dead in...?

Clara asks Mary about a few baby things.

Clara: So, what gender is the baby?
Mary: Oh, the Doctor said that it is a girl.
Clara: Heh, name it after me.
Mary: YEAH! That way when she is 15, she can wear your old stuff. I will save a TON of money!

Having a mood swing, Mary changes her mind about the hospital.

Mary: Ugh. I HATE hospitals! I'm going to have to wear an ugly corpse-gown! MY LIFE IS OVER!

Being forced into the car by Tom, she goes to the hospital.

Mary: Some bangin' tunes would make this day better. Where is my Katy Perry CD?
I- I left it at home? THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Now fianally at the hospital, Mary looks in horror at her view.

Mary: Wow, I don't think i've ever seen a hospital built by a slowly eroding cliff.

All that changes when the hospitals 'Young Person Outreach Officer' shows up.

Dr. Carl: Yo dawg. I'm Dr. Carl. Immah here to show mah young homiez that a hospital stay can be wack, yo.
Mary: I'm 29...
Dr. Carl: So, herez what immah do...


Mary: I think that asshole drugged my tea. If could move, I would kick his ass like the Loch Ness Monster. Hi-ya!

After the drugs stop working, Mary calls Sam.

Mary: I've had it! I'm having Tigerlily at home!
Sam: NO! YOU STAY IN THE HOSPITAL! OUR BABY WILL NOT BE CALLED TIGERLILY!

Mary leaves anyway...

Mary: Don't worry Lily, we will soon be in a nice comfy bed...

...but a real Doctor sends her back.

Dr. Farbbs: Now, this is a normal thing to feel. The pills should help you get over the pain.
Mary: *Drool*

What is going on is to painful to show, so here is a metaphore.


Mary soon leaves with the baby, but here is the shocker: Tigerlily is really a Mike!

Mary: I swear, they switched you in the womb.

On the way back, Mary reaveals a secret.

Cabbie: First baby?
Mary: First one I am raising with the guy.
Mike: O_O

Putting Mike in his crib, Mary changes into what she calls a 'mothering outfit'.

Mary: I think he was about THIS big...

Sam sees what she is wearing...

Sam: THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL A MOTHERING OUTFIT!?
Mary: THE PINK MATCHES MY LOVE FOR HIM! LOVING BUT NOT TOO LOVING!
Mike: Oh lordy.


Mary: SHITCOCKBASTARD HEAD!
Sam: WHORE!

But what are the kids doing?

Clara: Should we...?
Tom: Nah, I just need to kill this boss.
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:06 pm

WEEK 3
Spoiler:
It has been a while since we saw the Edwards familly. Lets take a look at how Mary is holding up...

Mary: AHHHHH! THIS KID IS DRIVING ME NUTS!

It's not all that bad, Clara seems to be okay with Mike.

Mary: Keep the THING busy. I need to go to work.
Clara: Mmmhmmm. I don't see what the problem is, he- awww hell no! YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!

Tom: Why are you in Mary's 'Slut Dress'?
Clara: The little bastard threw up on my last good top. Get me to school before I kill him. NOW!

The only person that seems to like Mike is Tom. Well, that is not a good thing...

Tom:...and that is why if you ever find a tape called 'Mary owns Tom', do not play it.

Moving on from the baby, Mary has a new job working at the local buisness...

Mary: Dear JoyTek,
I recently purchased some of your products and I am not happy. The little bastards broke it and 9 months later, I have a big little bastard. I would like a full refund.

...where Sam if the boss...

Sam: Left! No! Jump! ATTACK!! GAH! I am SICK of playing World of Warcraft!

...A mean boss that makes Mary come in early. She does, but not to do work.

Mary: Bleck. This coffee tastes of skunk piss.

After a long day of making Mary do assanine and pointless tasks, Sam comes home and tells Clara all about it.

Sam: TeeHeeHee. I made Mary carry a huge box of rocks up and down the same flight of stairs all day!
Clara: Ugh, Dad...about this whole thing. Now that you have a baby, maybe you should consider doing the right thing...
Sam: YES! I keep the baby and evict her. She only rents here...
Clara: I'm the one that gave her the room. What I mean is...

After much discussion, Sam gives in.

Sam: OKAY! I will do it after our performance meeting. Shit! It's in 10 minutes!

Soon after the meeting...

Sam: Mary, I have chosen this sucluded location for a reason...

Mary: I can see the office and Sally and Mark...
Sam: Fine, I shall wait untill they are gone...


Sam: We have had our ups and our downs...
Mary: Get to the point, i'm getting my hair and nails done in 5...


Sam: Will you marry me?
Mary: EEK! MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD! I CAN SEE MY FUCKING FACE!


Mary: OH! IT'S PERFECT! I WILL MARRY YOU! YES!

It all seem like a fairy story, but what are they thinking?

Sam: For the baby. For the baby. For the baby...
Mary: For the money. For the money. For the money...

It will be intresting to see what happens. Hey, has anybody seen Tom anywhere?

Tom (Singing along): I've fallen out of favor and I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees and I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis, out of windows too
Fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you

Oh dear god...

DAY 2

Spoiler:
Picking up where we left off, Clara isn't taking the news so well.

Clara: YOU DID WHAT!?
Sam: It was your idea!
Clara: HOW DID YOU GET PROPOSE FROM 'GET FULL CUSTODY OF MIKE, KICK HER OUT AND MAKE HER PAY CHILD SUPPORT'!?!?
Sam: I...er...
Clara: THIS HOUSE IS ALREADY TOO SMALL! MIKE SLEEPS BY THE TV! YOU FIX THIS NOW! NAO!

So, Sam comes up with a plan to make things all better...

[quote=SamTheMan]Wanted:
Massive bloody house in exchange for fairly sized houe. Perfect for cults and pimps![/quote]
Sam: Heh Heh. I love Craigslist.

Within seconds of posting the ad, the Edwards family & Mary say goodbye to the house.

Sam: Say goodbye Mike. This is the last we shall see of 13 Cherry Road.
Mike: How do I tell him that I can't talk yet? Maybe if I smack him...
*Whack*
Sam: Somebody is a crankypants! When you get to your new home, right to bed!

The new house is fantastic! Clara almost forgets about her dad's moronic plan...

Clara: How do I shoot? NO! JUMP! JUMP YOU FOOL!

Mary quickly falls in love...

Mary: Why Mayor McCheese, you flatter me. *EEK!* I must have a party!

Soon later, Mary plans her party. By plan I mean find a guest. By find a guest I mean- well, you know...

Mary: You simply must come! There will be drinks, cake, teenage butlers...
Simon: I love you! I will come!
Mary: Oh goody... I would like you to 'come'. TeeHeeHee.

Back at home, Tom prepares for the party as the first guests start to arrive.

Tom: Who the hell orders vodka mixed with beer? Vita Alto has some bizzare tastes.

When Tom's guest arrives, Clara seems to enjoy the party a lot less.

Clara: Oh god. HE is here. Don't look, don't look...
Eddie: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT, SKANK!?
Clara: Shit!

Moving to Tom's bedroom, things hot up...

Tom: Oooh baby, I love the way you feel on my lips...
Eddie: I think I know where to go from here...

*Ziiiip*
Tom: The hell...?
Eddie: I know! So, do you want to get down on your knees or shall I push you on the bed?
Tom: If you do not get out of my room, I will tear off that syphilitic twig, shove it down you throat so that the only head you will be getting is that of the doctor, giving CPR to try and revive you!
Eddie: You mean- OH SWEET JESUS! HEEEEELP!


[size=50]Eddie: AHHH! MY FACE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FACE![/size]
Clara: Do you hear that?
Lady: No. Now, get me a scotch on the rocks.

Things get intresting when Simon arrives...

Mary: I would just like to say a BIG thank you to everyone that came. This party is to celebrate my engagement to Sam Edwards!
Simon: Eh?

Simon: WHAT!? YOU ARE ENGAGED!?
Mary: I- I told you that!
Simon: WHEN!?

This could go on for a while. Lets see how Clara and Tom are doing.

Clara: Don't worry. You just picked a bad one, i'm sure it will never happend again.
Tom: You are loving this.
Clara: So happy I could die. Thats karma, bitch.

Simon has a scary idea:

Simon: I can't love a married woman. I know! I will bash her husbands head in! That way she will only love me. HeeHee!

Mary: NO YOU BLOODY WILL NOT! YAHHHH!
Simon: NO! NOT THE WRENCH! NOT THE - HELLLLP!

Soon after the paramedics take away Simon, the party heats up.

Sam: Who was that man you nearly killed?
Mary: Nobody. He is nobody.

But how is Tom coping?

Tom: Must...wash off...skank.

DAY 3

Spoiler:
So, here we are, the episode before the wedding special! Lets see what Clara is up to...

Clara: So it was a fun party, to people nearly got beaten to death.
*BEEP*
Clara: OOH! Mary is using the phone, this could be interesting...


Mary: Ugh, I had to be taken away from the bastard. I'm over him anyway, next sexual conquest; Dave from the office.
[size=50]Clara: HOLY CRAPFUCK![/size]
Mary: Did you hear that?

Mary will be on there for a while, now who is that to the front of the house?

Lady: Well, here I am, outside a HUGE house and talking to myself. Mary has done well for herself.
Sam: HEY LADY! CAN I HELP YOU OR ARE YOU GONNA GET LOST?
Lady: Why, you must be Sam!

Later...

Edna: ...I know!
Sam: Go right in Edna, Mary will be very happy to see you!

Edna slips in without Mary seeing a thing.

Edna: So, what we watching?
Mary: The adventures of Mister Spiffington and his sidekick Sally. It's a british period draMOTHER! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?


Edna: WHAT!? YOU GET ENGAGED AND DON'T TELL YOUR MOM!? I FOUND OUT ON YOUR BLOG!
Mary: I AM GOING TO KILL SAM! BUT NOT BEFORE I KILL YOU!

Edna: YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOUR MOTHER!

That goes on for a while. After that, Edna starts to mother Mike...

Edna: It has Edna's Special Spice in it. Go on, try it!
Mike: This is devine! How do I say thankyou to her? Goo Ga.
Edna: See! I said you would love it.

...and mother her own offspring.

Mary: What the hell d'ya do with my suit!?
Edna: You work for a well known corporation. Dress like it.
Mary: I HATE-
Edna: I HATE YOU MORE!

That fight could go on for a while. What is Clara doing?

Clara: I have lived here for a week now and I have never been in there. I wonder...?


Clara: OH MY GOD! IT'S A LOVE DUNGEON!

We'll go back to that later. Mary and Edna are still fighting. Or is it a different fight?

Mary: MOTHER!
Edna: See, you still think looking like this is 'fly' and 'off the hiz-ook'?
Mary: THOSE BOOTS DO NOT GO WITH THAT SKIRT!

Back to the Love Dungeon...

Tom: Yeah, it's a Love Dungeon.
Clara: What the hell are you doing here?
Tom: Where do you think I am for most of the episodes time? I come here to paint and practice guitar.
Clara: I-uh.... we'll talk about this later...

Mary and her mother are done arguing, but now she is bitching to Sam about her.

Mary:...and THAT is why she has to go.
Sam: I see. I will talk to Edna about making dress less like a tart-
Mary: WHAT!?
Sam: Talk to her about being a bitch.

As he said he would, Sam has a talk with Edna.

Sam: Edna, Mary told me to have a chat with-
Edna: The walls are pretty thin.
Sam: AH! I-ER...I need you to talk to Mary about a few things...

As they hatch a plan, so do Tom and Clara.

Clara:...so we don't tell them about it. We just use it for getting away from things. Got it?
Tom: Got it.


Edna: Mary, we need to talk. Sam saw the dress...
Mary: OH NO! I'm going to have to get a new one!
Edna: Thats why i'm here. I will help you pick out a whole new look-
Mary: Mom, no we talked about this...

Edna: You are 34-
Mary: SHHHHH!
Edna: 20 something and a mother, a buisness woman and soon to be wife. I think you really need to consider you life...
Mary: Ugh, fine! Only because the wedding is coming up.

So Mary listens to her mother for once and changes EVERYTHING.

Does this mean no more drama? NO MORE ADVENTURES OF SLUTTYNESS!? Stay tuned to find out!
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:07 pm

THE WEDDING
Yep, it's a feature length one.

Spoiler:
Ah, just a few days before the wedding. *In a big brother guy voice* Clara and Tom are in the Love Dungeon.

Tom: Like it now we got rid of all that weird sex stuff?
Clara: Yeah, it's better than my room.
Tom: Thats not hard...
Clara: Fuck you.

Later...

Tom: Wanna go to a movie later?
Clara: No, I can't. Mary is taking me to get my hair done and I have a cooking class.
Tom: I'm sure it won't be that bad...


Clara: Are you freaking kidding me?
Mary: What? It's not that ugly
Clara: You know it is!
Mary: Yeah, but it looks good in a photo.
Clara: THATS IT! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU, YOU CHEATING WHORE!

Mary: Look, I will not let you spoil this for me. I have a dress for you, and you WILL wear it.


Tom: It's not that-
Clara: DON'T FINISH THAT SENTANCE!
Tom: Look, I have an idea. Do you still have your goth stuff?
Clara: Always....

I can only hope that this isn't going where I think it is...

Mary: What the hell is that!?
Clara: This IS my dress for the wedding. I will have you know this is designer goth gear!
Mary: Motherfucker...

The day passes and it's time for some food, this should be fun...

Edna:...and diamonds! Every wedding needs diamonds!
Mary: Mother, we have been over this before. You can't tell me what to put in this wedding. Oh, Clara, I spoke with Sam. He said as long as you can fit into that dress, you will wear it.
Clara: I see...

Clara: C'mon! How long does it take for Body Mass Powder to mix with cookie mix!?

While Clara gets fat again, Edna has a new look to show off.

Mary: Mother, are you wearing contacts?
Edna: I want to look young in the wedding photos.
Mary: I'm just going to do a bit of shopping, we are low on cake mix for some reason...

Later, a woman arrives at the store where Tom works just before closing...

Woman: I need cake mix and hairspray
Tom: It's a tad late, but this way ma'm.

Woman: Well how kindTOM! YOU WORK HERE!?
Tom: I told you 6.5 times. It would be 7 is you didn't keep stopping me in the middle of a sen-
Mary: YOU ARE GROUNDED YOUNG MAN!

Tom: What...?
Mary: No ifs, no buts! I need to go now...

The next day, Mary pops in again...

Tom: Didn't Edna make you wear normal, non-slutty outfits?
Mary: I....uh....
Tom: *Sigh* I won't tell Dad if you tip me...

She also comes in the next day...

Tom: Are you wearing Ednas glasses?
Mary: I'm a slutty school girl! Don't hate!

You can see where this is going...

Tom: Aw come on!
Mary: What?

Oh, over the 4 days in which that happend, Mike learned to walk.


Now back the story...
Aww, Sam and Mary on the beach :3

Mary: OH! EDWARD!

Thats not Sam...

Edward: So, do you have a place to stay?
Mary: Yeah, I kind of have this big house with a big guy... who I need to get back to. Shit! See you around maybe?
Edward: Oh yes. Yes you will.

Back at the house, Tom and Clara have a friend over.

Clara: Is that... Mary?
Tom: I kind of have something to tell you. I will in the house...

Later...:

Tom: ...So you understand.
Clara: Yeah. Hey, I bet shes dressed like that right now.
Kid: We saw her....
Clara: Okay! Oh, I left something in the Love Dungeon, be right back!


Clara: WHOAH! SHIT! WHAT THE HELL!?
Mary: I....uh.....
Edward: Could you maybe not grip my balls so tightly?

Much later...

Mary: You had better not say anything!
Clara: I'm telling Sam!
Mary: I'm telling Sam that you hang around in the Love Dungeon!
Clara: Tom and me found it!
Mary: Who do you think built it!? I'm going, say anything and I will kill you.

Later that night, Clara keeps quiet. Tom is still thinking of a way to stop Mary...

Tom: Maybe if I kill her....no. Thats no good.
Edna: TOM! IT'S ABOUT TO START!


Mary: Can they tell I was wearing makeup? Naw?
Sam: MARY! HURRY THE FUCK UP!
Mary: ALRIGHT!

So it begins...

Mary: ...I do
Clara: Shit
Tom: Shit

Clara and Mary have a little 'talk' about the wedding.

Mary: So just call me 'Mom'
Clara: FUCK YOU WHORE, YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!
Mary: WELL, IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER!?


Mary: Your Dad took my last name, so guess what? I am your new mother. Treat me fucking like it, or no food for a week.
Clara: My mother is dead! She is twice the mom you will ever be!

So what does this mean? No more Clara acting up? No bad Tom? Stay tuned...
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:09 pm

*nothing to see here people*


Last edited by Shark Attack on Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:09 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : It's old and I never got around to doing it. There is a load of other things however...)
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Re: The Edwards

Post by •Jαwsh•™ on Mon Jan 25, 2010 12:28 am

YAY! They're back! (insert yay fox smiley here, which we need!)
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Kitty :D on Mon Jan 25, 2010 1:58 am

So, I actually read this. I couldn't stop laughing xD
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Re: The Edwards

Post by •Jαwsh•™ on Mon Jan 25, 2010 1:59 am

Kitty :D wrote:So, I actually read this. I couldn't stop laughing xD

LOL! I know, this story is win. :3
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:21 pm

The Edwards is updated here now too! Yay!
MIKE'S BIRTHDAY
We all knew this day would come...

Spoiler:
Picking up where we left off last, Sam is 'talking' to Clara about The Love Dungeon.

Sam:...and that is why I am closing off the Basement.
Clara: It's called The Love Dungeon! And why!?
Sam: I don't like my two thirds of my children going down together in a place that was once full of sex toys. It's also weird that you still call it that.
Clara: Point taken. But where will we go?
Sam: Tom had an idea...


Clara: NO.
Tom: We just have to share with Mi-
Clara: NO.

In the next room, Edna and Mary are having 'a friendly chat' about how long Mary has been here.

Mary: Mother, you said you would leave after the wedding. That was two weeks ago.
Edna: For shame! Kicking out your own mother! Anyway, I don't take up much room...
Mary: THATS BECAUSE YOU SLEEP ON THE SOFA!
Edna: FINE! Let me just say goodbye to Sam and the kids...

Later...

Sam: Oh yeah, I said Edna could stay as long as she wants.
Mary: WHAAAAAAAAAT!?

So, Edna is here for good. How will they make room...?

Edna: Are you sure you have no problem staying in Tom's room?
Clara: Oh yeah, i'll be fine.
[size=50]Tom: WHAAAAAAAAAT!?[/size]
Clara: Tom... not so much...

After a day, things get back to normal. That is untill Mary announces her Honeymoon plans...

Clara: YOU CAN'T GO TOMORROW!
Mary: THIS IS MY HOUSE, I MAKE THE RULES! DEAL WITH IT!
Clara: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TOMORROW!?
Mary: YEAH! I GO TO FRANCE WITH YOUR DAD!

Within a few hours, they get up and go.

Mary: DIAGON ALLEY!
Sam: MARY! STOP DICKING AROUND AND GET YOUR CRAP!

What is so special about today anyways? Well, if you didn't guess from the title, this may come as a shock...

Edna: Happy birthday Mikey!
Mike: It's Mike!
Edna: Mommy and Daddy can't be here today, but don't worry, i'll check the paper to see if there is something we can do.
Mike: Not the Art Gallery, please God not again...


Edna: Oooh! A coupon for the Art Gallery!

Looks like it's a day at the Art Gallery for Ed and Mike!

Edna: Says here that this was made by Vita Alto after a two week drinking binge.
Mike: Clearly...

A Old Lady and Mike looking at a plant isn't the most interesting... lets see how Mary and Sam are doing...

Sam: Remind me again how we got here and why you are dressed like that.
Mary: I dropped my ring down a storm drain. AND IT'S CALLED BLENDING IN!

Back at the house, Clara is making sure that nothing goes wrong with the party.

Clara: Asking for a sober Clown is NOT like asking for the moon. Know what? Fuck you!


Clara: Sorry, but there won't be a clown.
Edna: Ah well, never mind.
Clara: Hey, can you show me how you did that thing with your dress?
Edna: Oh, this? It was all the rage back in the 50's...

Mary seems to know what is going on...

Mary: I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING THAT EDNA IS DOING SOMETHING HORRIBLE TO CLARA!
Sam: Uh huh...

Back at the house.

Edna: No party is a party without one of my cakes!
Tom: Can't we just start the party.
Clara: SHUT IT. Go on Ed, bake a cake!

*CRASH*
Clara: WHAT WAS THAT!?


Edna: Oooh, my head. That WAS a nasty fall. Now, about that cake...
Death: *Clears Throat*


Clara: What was that craSHIT!
Edna: Don't be scared dear, when it's time, it's time.


Edna: It's not like i'll be missed, I burned the cake mix...

*poof*


What does this mean? Edna is dead, Mike is all grown-up and Sam and Mary are still stuck in a dungeon in France! Stay tuned to find out!


Last edited by Shark Attack on Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:23 pm

DEADNA!
How will the Edwards cope without Ed?

Spoiler:
It has been an hour since Edna died and Death is still at the door...

Death: Where's the front door?
Clara: *sob* Can't you give us Ed back? Please! I'm begging you!
Death: Sorry missy, I can't. I have to abide by certain... rules. And besides...

Death: We had a deal.

Tom is tasked with the duty of calling Mary and telling her the news. This should be interesting.

Sam: Why are you dressed like a whore Lara Croft?
Mary: This little get up? I...er...OH! PHONE! Yeah! Can't talk to you, phone is ringing!


Mary: *sob* It's Mary! *cry*
Sam: Oh i'm so sorry! Your own mother. Dead. I can only imagine what this is like...
Mary: No, she only left me $200.
Sam: We live in Canada...
Mary: I know!


Sam: I know you didn't get on well with Edna, but show some respect!
Mary: I guess... we wern't that close.
Sam: WOW. You can find your own way out of here.

Makes you wonder why she was left anything... Anyway, Tom is having problems at work because of the death, but maybe this lady can help...

Red Lady: Whats wrong with you boy? Shouldn't you be stacking shelves?
Tom: It's my grandma. She... she passed away a few hours ago...
Red Lady: Oh i'm so sorry! But your Grandmother would probaly want you to not cry and to remember all the fun times you had.

Tom: Wow thanks! Thats the best advice anyone has given me! Thank you... err...
Ellen: Ellen. My name is Ellen.

Tom get off from his shift and goes to see if his sister is okay. But he gets quite the shock...

Tom: Clara! I got some great advice from... oh hell no.
Clara: What?


Tom: What is this? Why are you dressed Goth again?
Clara: I'm sad! This is the only way I can show that I am sad!


Clara: And just look at you! You are going around like everything is fine! Why didn't you take time off work to look after Mike? His parents aren't here for his birthday and his Grandmother, the person the pretty much raised him, is dead! Where as you just go off stacking crates and slapping on a smile for rude obese tourists! Why don't you show some respect?
Tom: I... er... I...


Tom: I MISS EDNA! *sob*
Clara: It's okay Tom. I'm sorry I snapped at you. This is hard on all of us, especially Mike.


Tom: I'm a bad person.
Clara: No, don't say that! If you want me to, i'll talk to Mike.
Tom: S-sure.

Now, how can Clara talk to her little brother about death without patronisng him?

Clara: Hmmm... maybe if I try to speak as his elder...

No good can come of this.

Clara: Now Mike, as your older sister, it's my job to make sure that you are holding up okay.
Mike: The situation has left me both distraught and upset, but i'll hold up okay.
Clara: Those are some big words for a little guy! Why don't you just go an-


Mike: YOU PATRONISING COW!
Clara: Buh!?


Mike: You think that because i'm only a kid, that I can't hold up okay? I was closest to her! Closer than anybody in this house! I know how to cope, you bitch!

Well, looks like Mike and Clara won't be speaking anytime soon. Maybe Clara can get a little help...

Clara: Hey, can you- why are you semi-naked?
Tom: Err, no reason...
Clara: Anyways, could you talk to Mike about the whole thing. I think he hates me now...
Tom: Sure, just let me get dressed...


Tom: Whoah! Why are you walking around with just your pants on!?
Mike: Err, no reason...


Tom: Now Mikey, I know at times things like death can be scary, but you just have to-
Mike: RAAAAGH!


Mike: I KNOW ABOUT DEATH! RAGH! YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AS THAT WITCH CLARA!
Tom:...

Not a single word was said for the rest of the day. Now, flash forward to 11PM. Mary has just got back from France.

Mary: Ugh, that bastard. He left me in a dungeon! Thats it, no sex and i'm going shopping with his credit card.


Mary: WAHHH! HOW DID YOU GET BACK QUICKER THAN ME!?
Sam: I used the dungeon door. My plane left when you phoned me about an hour after the fight. Anyway, you should go and say sorry to the kids. They all seem to hate you.

No good can come of this...

Clara: YOU LEFT MIKE ON HIS BIRTHDAY! FUCK YOU!
Mary: I...uh...


Mike: GRANDMA DIED WHILE YOU WERE IN A HOT TUB!
Mary: Yeah... but...


Mary: Why are you semi-
Tom: Fuck off.
Mary: Can't I just-
Tom: Fuck off.

There is a sense of bitterness in the air. Nobody is speaking and Mike hates everyone. That is until the next night...

Mike: Hey, whats this?
Edna Filipz was a great woman who always had a smile on her face.
Caring, kind and loveable, she never had a bad thing to say.
Of course, it was too soon for her to go.
Loved ones are deeply sorry that this happend to her.
It was a shame to see her go. She will be missed.

~Mary Edwards-Filipz
Mike: That was... beautiful...
Edna: It sure was.
Mike: WHO SAID THAT!?


Edna: I did Mikey. Did you miss me?
Mike: GRANDMA!
*hugs*


Edna: I came to tell you not to be mad at your siblings. They are just looking out for you. You should forgive everyone.
Mike: Even mom?
Edna: No. It was her shoe I tripped on. That and her 'tribute' spells out E Coli with each first letter.

Moved by Eds forgiveness, Clara hatches an idea...

Clara: Aww. She can't even feel the hug of her Grandson. Hey, maybe... no. It's just a myth. Or is it...?

Back to the heartwarming stuff.

Edna: Speaking of Mary, where is she?
Mike: At the clothing store, trying on undies.
Edna: And her biggest fear is ugly fashion, right?
Mike: Yes...
Edna: Heh heh heh. I'll be back...

This should be good.

Edna: I AM THE SPIRIT OF VOGUE, HERE TO TELL YOU TO UPDATE YOUR WARDROBE!
Mary: OH JESUS! CHEETAH CAPS ARE BACK IN? NOOOOOOOO!

So, Edna is 'alive' and all is forgiven. It looks like everything is all wrapped up nicely. But what is next for the Edwards? Stay tuned!
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Shark Attack on Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:23 pm

Babby Faddah'
It's season 2 and it is starting with a bang! Or so Mary thinks...
Spoiler:
Here we are again for a new season! Clara is blowing off some steam by playing The Sims on her Dad's Laptop.

Clara: UGH! Screw it! I can't be arsed to build a house that my shitty Sim will just burn down. It's MSN ti- hey, whats this...

SexyMary69: Ugh, my uterus is killing me.
LoverBoi: Gee, thats great. When are you coming over?
SexyMary69: Soon, don't worry. :) Did you pack the XL's?
LoverBoi: One is broken tho. Ah well, it shan't distrupt my sexytimes.
Clara: WOW...

So, Clara logs off and runs up to tell Tom about this...

Clara: Mary is cheating on Dad.
Tom: We have known that for ages.
Clara: She could be pregnant by him.

Tom: For all we know, it could be Dad's baby.
Clara: True, but it might not be!
Tom: Ugh, fine. Just let me put the idea of pregnancy in her head...


Tom: Pains in the baby zone are a sure sign of Pregnancy. Just thought you might like to know that.
Mary: Err, how lovely. Could you wait a sec, I just need to head to the store...

Subtle. Anyway, Mary heads to the store and runs into a not so familliar face...

Mary: You there! Store gremlin! I require a pregnancy test! Chop chop, i'm a busy girl!
Ellen: AW HELL NAW.

Ellen: I AM NOT A STORE CLERK. EVEN IF I WAS, I WOULD NOT SERVE A RUDE BITCH LIKE YOU!
Mary: I...uh... I think that you should be a tad nicer... because...er.... my husband is RICH!

Mary: YEAH! I AM MARY FILIPZ-EDWARDS! THAT IS A NAME YOU SHOULD REMEMBER! THIS IS MY TOWN AND I OWN EVERY LAST BIT OF IT!
Ellen: Edwards? Is you husband called Sam by any chance...?
Mary: Yeah, why?

Ellen: You WHORE!
Mary: THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, LADY?
Ellen: YOU! BE CAREFUL SLAG, I HAVE WAYS...

Ellen:...of getting my way.

So, just who is Ellen and how does she know The Edwards? We'll find out soon, but for now, it looks like Mary has some shocking news...

Mary: OH GOD! A BABY! Okay, calm down, it's not like you're going to change OH GOD I HAVE TO CHANGE! I messed up my last one! And look at me! Maybe it's me. Well, I guess it's time to be a mom now! To really take my mothers old advice: change for the better and find my baby's daddy!

Oh Jeebus Krust, what will Mary do to change? Hadn't she already changed, not dressing like a tart all the time? How much more change can happen!?

Edna: Okay... don't say anything stupid...
So... Mary. What the hell is this?
Mary: Well, I took out ALL by hair extensions, stopped dying it, threw away all my Slut clothes and put on a maternity dress!
Edna: Okay, what are you planning?

Mary: WOW. Don't you think it's possible that maybe I have changed? That I am trying to find the father of my current baby? Don't you want my child to know his REAL dad?
Edna: I...er...
Mary: Now where is Mike? I need to ask him a science question...

Yep, stuck on a question, ask your 10 year old. Just like the good ol' days.

Mary: Now Mike, I may need to get some extra nutrition...
Mike: You're pregnant.
Mary: Err, maybe. But I need to get the nutrtion of two people. You are a smart cookie, help me.
Mike: Well, my teatcher Mr.Brando said that pregnant women eat everything within 5 miles and get all hormonal, i'd do that.

So, Mary Eats...

and eats untill she looks like she went out and devoured an actual baby.


After two days of non-stop eating, Mary sets out to find her Babby Faddah'. This can't end well...

Mary: Hey Dave! You know that one time we did it? Well, I am totally preggers now, so I need to come to the doctors for a DNA tes- hello? Dave? You there?

She goes to the beach next to see her other lover, Naseed.

Naseed: You WHORE. HOW CAN I HAVE A BABY WITH YOU? I'M MARRIED WITH 4 KIDS ALREADY! IT IS SOMEBODY ELSES!
Mary: I...I just came to tell you that because of our lack of sex, the baby isn't yours. Also i'm breaking up with you.

After a whole day of going through potential baby daddies, Mary waits until the next day to see her final option. But will he recodnise Mary?

Mary: Grr, whats taking David so long? He said he'd be here an hour ago...

Mary: Must be a big baby, I can't see my toes...
David: Hmm, can't find her... Maybe that lady knows where she is...
Excuse me, miss! Have you seen a Mary Filipz around lately?
Mary: Oh you silly boy! I'm Mary!

Mary: How about a hug for your candy-girl?
David: NO! No, i'm fine thank you.

Mary: Listen, i'm going to get to the point. I have a baby in me and it is yours...
David: I...WHAT!?

David: LISTEN HERE YOU SEACOW, I WILL NEVER RAISE A BABY WITH A SLAG LIKE YOU! YOU SLEEP AROUND, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR CAMEL TOE IS STARING AT ME! THE IDEA THAT I WILL BE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD IS OFFENSIVE AND OBSCENE! WHY WOULD ANYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD WANT TO HAVE A KID WITH YOU!? SURE, YOU ARE GREAT IN THE SACK, BUT THE THOUGHT OF YOU ATTEMPTING TO MOTHER A CHILD MAKES ME WANT TO HANG MYSELF WITH A TELEPHONE CORD!


Mary: Wow he was mean, but maybe he was right. I'm not exactly the prettiest of girls without my makeup and extensions, I can't look after a child and maybe I do look a little portly, but by GOD i'm a great gal. Aren't I?

*Sad piano music plays*

Maybe Mary is a bit of a slut, but that was a shitty thing to do. So she goes off to the store to find some tissues, a sad film and a teddy. But what will she really get?


An old 'friend' from yesterday who se needs advice from...

Mary: Am I fat?
Ellen: Very.
Mary: Ugh, fine...
Ellen: Wait, Mary, I have a confession...


Ellen: It was me!
Mary: What was?
Ellen: I'm the reason you're fat!
Mary: It's nice you want to make me feel better, but I am the reason i'm fa-
Ellen: No, I switched your pregnancy test with a used positive, causing you to overeat and confess to all your boyfriends that you are a whorebag.
Mary: ...

Now, Mary has gotten fairly mellow since the "baby". Maybe it won't be so ba-OHSHIT.

Mary: Grrr...GRRR...GRAWWWWWWWWWWWR!

Mary: YOU MOTHERFUCKING WHORE! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!?
Ellen: You confused me with a shop assistant. That and I don't like you.


Mary: Do you REALISE what you have DONE!? Now everybody in town knows that I am a slut! What am I supposed to do for sex now!? My husband is really bad at it! Ugh, I can't beilieve I slept with him to get a goddamned Credit Card which I maxed out at our old house! I NEED to find more men in this town!
Sam: Mary?
Mary: Ohshit.
Ellen: Bye!


Sam: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Mary: I... er... Yeah, well how did you know I was here then? You stalker, you should be ashamed.
Sam: I FOUND OUT ON YOUR TWITTER THAT YOU WOULD BE HERE!
Mary: Well... I...
Sam: GET IN THE CAR, WE'LL HAVE THIS ARGUMENT AT HOME!

So, when they get home...

Clara: Mary? You look like you just saw death...
Mary: Clara, I may not have been a great mother, but do I deserve to be kicked out?
Clara: You cheated on Dad at every oppertunity and slapped me. BUH-BYE!


Sam: YOU CHEATED ON ME!?
Mary: You cheated on me! I saw you with that old lady...
Sam: THAT WAS MRS. EDFIRE! SHE HAD BROKEN HER HIP AND NEED HELP GETTING ACROSS THE ROAD!


Sam: Look, i'm going right to the point... GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! I'M HAVING AN ANNULMENT!
Mary: I thought you liked being a guy...
Sam: IT MEANS OUR MARRAGE IS OVER!


Mary: What!? Where will I...how will I...
Sam: Get. Out. NOW!

So, Mary is cast out into the wilds of Canada, not knowing where to go or who to see. What does this mean? No more Mary? No more Slutventures? Will Clara ever stop being Goth? Stay tuned!
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Re: The Edwards

Post by Delightful on Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:40 am

Eff-anally D:


OMFG, I just read through it all, I couldn't stop laughing. xD

Sam: Look, i'm going right to the point... GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! I'M HAVING AN ANNULMENT!
Mary: I thought you liked being a guy...
Sam: IT MEANS OUR MARRAGE IS OVER!

LOVE IT! xD

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Re: The Edwards

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