The Five Mile Llama Pacer

Eerily similar to The [however many] Meter Race.

There will be challenges (or non-challenges) covering a wide range of topics, and I will award points as I see fit. The points are redeemable for an extended trip to an uninhabited island of your choice. Be creative, and let your intellectual juices flow freely. I'll post challenges as often as I want to, and maybe even in a row, so there could be multiple challenges running at once. It'll be messy, but I think it will inspire the topic to be active.

Okay...

CHALLENGE NUMERO UNO.

Now, above, I stole a couple words from Spanish, something of which I'm sure Ben will disapprove. However, all words in the English language come from somewhere, whether they were coined by someone, or derived/borrowed from a different language. So, your first challenge is to make up a word. It could be something you and a friend thought up, it could be a portmanteau of other words, or it could be stolen from another word in English, or in another language. The catch is, you have to be able to make a whole dictionary entry about it. e.g.:

Grindy
noun.
A fan of the rather unpopular potential romantic relationship between The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who from Dr. Seuss',"How The Grinch Stole Christmas!"

Origin: Some sick bastard apr. 1957

Synonyms: Gwho, Thrice it's size *winkwink*, Cinch.

5 points for the most creative word, executed optimally.

Puckernoodle

Noun

Another word for love, meaning that you have deep affection and/or emotional attachment towards someone.

Example: I puckernoodle you.

Origin: Kelsey and some stranger on Omegle, 2009

Synonyms: Love, Passion

DO I GET A PRIZE NOW?!

Lombard
noun.
An area of skin which has become attached to a sailing vessel.

Example:

• "Oh shitfuck, I have a lombard!"

adnoun.
Something is "lombard" if it's top layer has been left upon a shipping vessel.

Example:

• "This cheese looks lombard..."

Origin:

• The Germanic tribe of the Lombards had nothing to do with this, unbeknownst to most people. It was actually coined by a 14-year-old chewing the wire of his headphones.

Synonyms:

• None

Well done, to our two lovely participants!

Ben wins. Woo!

However, he didn't put numbers next to his definitions, even though there were two, so I'm taking off two points, one of which goes to Kelsey. Erry gets the other. So that brings our score to:

POINTS
3 - Ben
1 - Kelsey
1 - Erry

CHALLENGE ZWEI

I want you to write a short prompt (however long you like. Three sentences for all I care) from the perspective of someone who is completely inebriated. It can be about whatever you want; a walk in the park, the one girl on the bus last night, your best friend, ponchos, the atomic structure of salt, or whatever you please. The only catch is that it has to reflect beyond a doubt that you are really drunk, and are likely to vomit on someone's shoes within the next fifteen minutes, and then make a stop off to the nearest bed, where you will wake up in the morning with a woman you find only mildly attractive, and a head full of regrets.

[REDACTED] points to the best prompt.

can you put that in stupid people terms? i had no idea what you said.

Aesthetically Pleasing wrote:Erry gets the other.

he doesn't even go here! but really... did he even make an entry?

Sure, I'll just give Erry your point for a simplified description, huhuhu.

Write a paragraph or two about anything you want, as if you were really drunk. Example:

So, I was walking down the streeeeet, ad'n I saw this guy... and he was liiiiiek, so do you liek mudkips, and I was allllllllllllll... *hic* nuuuuu way, Hose. (His name was tooootally Hose.) But like, he toooold me this story...there was once this guy who tried to go flying on like... *hic* wings wade uh... made of wax... but he got too close to the sun, so he died.

POINTS
3- Ben
2- Erry

oh okay this is easy.

sooo i was likkeeeee at this party once and likeee there was this GUY...

i quit ]': i'm not in the mood *dies in corner*

So anyways I was liiike 'Hey, wanna party?' and he *hic* was allll 'Screw you' and I was like, 'Uh uh no way' and then *long-ass inhale* *hic* he fucked me up the ass. So yeah, last night was *hic* *passes out*

Thur ya go.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAOMMGGGGGGGGGGGG I feel like shit. :D ISN'T THAT HA! YEAHHH *vomits* Omgg ;-;

Done.

Haha, okay, I'm giving this one to Erry. Nicely done!

2 points!

POINTS
4- Erry
3- Ben


Your next challenge is to write a poem as if you were... choking the chicken/petting the cat. If you know what I mean.

3 points for the best one. -1 point for the worst!

omgsexomgsexomgsex
I say
omgsexomgsexomgsex
Because
omgsexomgsexomgsex
Every day
omgsexomgsexomgsex
Applause!
omgsexomgsexomgsex
Woah
omgsexomgsexomgsex
Now for
omgsexomgsexomgsex
I'm gonna go
omgsexomgsexomgsex
It hit the door
omgsexomgsexomgsex
Mmyeah
omgsexomgsexomgsex
OSHI- MY MOTHER'S HERE I'M SCARED
omgsex

omgsex by Ben Russell.

Alright, so one day later, and we have... only one response. Thank you for your cooperation, Ben.

So, being that there was only one entry, it was simultaneously the best and the worst poem. Thus, I shall add three points, and take away one.

POINTS
5- Ben
4- Erry


Your next challenge is to write an open letter to any person you want. It could be a historical figure, a celebrity, or just someone you know or know of. Anyway, your letter should express your disgust and utter repulsion towards their very existence. Oh, and be funny, too.

Dear Justine Bieber,

I LUV U SOOOO MUCH.

SRS IF U LYK DYED OR SOMTHING ID KILL MY PET ROCK CUZ UR SO AWESUM.

Luv

Love, Ben.

P.S. Sarcasm: does not translate well.

Dear Christian,

(oh boy this should be good)

I don't know why I liked you for like 2 years because now I've realized what a dick you are. Not to just me, which I thought it was at first, but to any girl. You have a really strange way of showing it though. Because you flirt, to the extreme, and you'll lie about your likes and dislikes to get someone to think they have something in common with you. But, turns out they don't. Then, you work them into liking you. I don't know how, because you aren't even that great looking, but you just fucking do. And it blows. Then you get their hopes down and just stop talking to them altogether.

Anyway, I feel kind of bad with for Kylie because she has to deal with you pretty much every week. Yet you still flirt with other girls. Nice going there.

I used to be pretty much completely in love with you, but now I hate you for dragging me on for so long. :) Go die in a hole. I don't care if you're my boyfriend's best friend. I really don't give a fuck. You can really go die. Alright.

With all love,
Kelsey

P.S. I know this letter wasn't funny but it's definitely just putting my feelings out there. Plus I'm angry and I need to vent somehow.

Kelsey wins. 3.1415926535(etc.) points!

SCORE
5- Ben
4- Erry
π- Kelsey

I'm lazy. Someone invent a challenge for me! The number of points given for the best challenge will be an integer. Promise!

I'LL MAKE THE CHALLENGE UP! Considering I'm not participating.

Write a song about cheese, it has to include a clown, a blue moon and 5 cats. MAKE IT AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE.

Also, try to make it in leet and romantic.

A challenge I would do is to time how long your ruler is and record the results here.

•Jαwsh•™ wrote:I'LL MAKE THE CHALLENGE UP! Considering I'm not participating.

Write a song about cheese, it has to include a clown, a blue moon and 5 cats. MAKE IT AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE.

Also, try to make it in leet and romantic.

I pick this one! 4 points Jawsh, which leaves us with...

POINTS
5- Ben
4- Erry
4- Jawsh
π- Kelsey

Now do his challenge, exactly as he asked. I'll award a point for each time you use the word,"fellatio", as well.

♫ Oh cheeses of all over the world
The clown of a circus had rapen a young girl
You don't get those once in a speckled, blue moon
When 5 cats are on your shiny spoon ♫

Yeah, that's as detailed as I can get. Lol.

Erry wins! Yay! Except he never used the word "fellatio", so that sucks. *pervyface*

POINTS
5- Ben
5- Erry
4- Jawsh
π- Kelsey

Next challenge is to tell me a joke. A good one. Joke that makes me laugh the hardest gets a few points!

Yo momma is so fat, when God said let there be light, she had to move outta the way. :3

i know a joke...

my face. :D

Yay Kelsey!

POINTS
5- Ben
5- Erry
4- Jawsh
π- Kelsey + a few

The next challenge is to retell an ancient myth, a fairy tale, or a piece of classic literature, but as if it were happening to gangsters. Nothing that's already been done, though (i.e. Westside Story). For instance, what if Goldy locks was actually Goldy Grillz, and the three bears were actually three shopkeepers? Explore the opportunities!

the 3 billy goat gangstas tried crossing the alleyway but the mafia didn't let em byyyyyy!

The Slow Hoe in the Slow Hoe car was bitchin' to her bitches, and the Pimpin' Pimp came over in his Pimpin' Pimp car and said "YO BITCH, I'M SO MUCH FASTER THAN YO HOE!" she was like "OH HELL NAWWW" so they decided to street race. Pimpin' Pimp was burnin' up his tires cuz he's fast, but Slow Hoe was sloowww like her psychedelic high hadn't gone. Pimpin' Pimp needed to smoke some weed so stopped to smoke. Unfortunately, he passed out, so the paramedics had to fix him up. Slow Hoe was all "HELL YEAH PIMP ASS" and over took him and won, she had a whore party with her bitches. Pimpin' Pimp wasn't happy, so he shot them all.

The end. :3